Team USA Needs a Star-Studded Cast to Win World Cup Trophy

Hollywood Endings in Soccer? Not if the Game Ends in a Tie!

Just when you thought that World Cup Fever might be over for the USA, Landon Donovan goes out and scores a “stoppage time” goal. I mean, what is stoppage time anyways? Is it really that hard to just have the game be over when the clock reads 00:00?

Anyways, you can tell how much we Americans love the game of soccer because all the talk after the game in which the USA advanced to the round of 16 for the first time since 1930 was whether Donavan and his supermodel girlfriend were really as broken up as we all thought. Nice. Celebrity Relationship News > Biggest Goal in US History.

So thanks to Landon Donovan and his amazing foot, fake soccer fans around the country will get another week or so of Vuvuzela ringing in their ears if they want to keep up on their team’s progress. And don’t get me started on that stupid horn thing. How is that the chosen piece of South African culture to be displayed during the matches (yes, they are matches like in tennis, not games like in any other sport).

I Don't Know What This Kid's Name is, Just That I Will Always Refer to Him as Hamilton Porter

If America really wanted a chance to win the World Cup, they should put together a team full of Hollywood’s finest actors since I see a lot of flamboyant acting on the pitch (yes it’s a pitch, not a field like in any other sport). We could have the chunky ginger kid from “The Big Green” as the goalie since he has experience in soccer movies and that’s technically the only position that doesn’t require good acting skills, just a set of sticky gloves (sorry England, maybe your goalie was using authentic “British Petroleum Oil Spill Gloves” instead of his normal goalie gloves ).

At some point in the game, there would have to be some kicking involved, so Ralph Maccio should probably be our go-to guy (not sure what the official soccer term is). He could deliver some pretty awesome crane kicks and he’s pretty resistant to leg sweeps.

You’d definitely need an action movie star to step their game up as the game gets tight. The over the top fake acting goes a long way towards convincing referees that a penalty was committed against you. If we could get like Stallone or Steven Seagal to pretend that they just got shot in the leg like every 30 seconds, we could probably penalty kick our way to a trophy.

Ok, so soccer sucks for all the reasons listed above, and also for the fact that you can actually end the game in a tie and still come away with a point. Soccer matches shouldn’t end in a tie. The American fans demand Hollywood style endings and even when they get one, as in the case of Landon Donovan, they still add a celeb gossip twist. And for that reason, Hollywood will always be greater than Soccer.

About Aaron Garcia

Aaron is an avid sports fan who passionately follows the NFL, NBA and MLB, in addition to NCAA Sports. He is an Arizona State University grad who loves the Dodgers and the Patriots.